April 22nd 2007

i think i made a mistake. im regretting it now anyways. im sure my parents will be happy but im certainly not right now. on the tube tonight there was a guy trying to be funny with the pull down seats. he was a bit buzzed and we got talking. he talked his way into coming into the hostel, so we went to the basement where guests are allowed. so pete, his name, and paul one of the hostel guys started playing pool. they played a couple games and i guess pete was getting bored and he asked me to show him out so i did…he seemed a bit dissapointed i didnt take him back to my room. i kinda am too. i dont know why i stricktly follow most rules and obey authority. i just do. my mother is probably having a heart attack right now…i think the thing i most regret is not even getting any contact info from him or that i didnt say sorry (for what i dont know) and goodbye. maybe its for the better….i dont think i like people coming into my life and right back out again. i was a little taken back by his age when i found out (37…calm down mom) he certainly did NOT look it. he was charming and sweet. but i think the main think i hate about all this is the fear that im going to be like this with every man that takes a chance on me. im pretty sure he wanted sex. something i WAS NOT (under line that) going to do (breath mom…) but just the fact he was so nice and he looked at me and didnt seem to care about my looks on the outside. the least i want to do is thank him for being so kind and sort of letting me know i do have to take chances, which i did to a limit by letting him into the hostel at least…i dont know why im crying so badly…if my heart cant take this, this being nothing really how horrible is it going to be in a real relationship? a breakup is much worsethat what could have been tonight.

im a wreck and i only knew him for 2 hours.

As i said it’s for the better it happened like that but im not going to forget him anytime soon…he didn’t believe me when i told him hes the first guy to hit on me like that.